Everybody I know would like my sister better than me. The guild would like her. She would belong. If I don't talk, I can't ever be better than peripheral. If I do, nobody's going to want me. I'm tired. This is exactly how it was in NY, except then I was still young enough to have belonged somewhere. I am never going to belong anywhere. And if I do, which I won't, I'll just ruin it. They'll just stop talking to me until I go away. And there won't be anyone else. And then I won't even be able to pretend.