I got a lamb gyro for dinner because I didn't feel like eating my own cooking again. It had a violent disagreement with my insides and they won.
Also, I think I'm going to have to stop talking. My need to be liked/appreciated/a significant part of whatever group I'm in has the unintended effect of turning me into a blithering idiot. yeah. Also, when I'm not being an idiot, I'm being combative. And, if I don't get enough sleep, I get downright mean. yeah. I give up.
WTB blond with visible legs. Actually, if my own legs were visible, none of this would matter anyway. They're really good legs. Maybe I could kill the personality or lack thereof or w/e entirely and just go with the legs. Might work, ya never know.
Actually, what I think it is is I'm everybody's wierdo that they don't really want to be friends with. So, I don't raise anybody's social standing and I'm not chill enough to provide any sort of chill, for lack of a better word. I'm not pretty enough to pull off the veiled thing. Apparently, if I'm good, I'm intimidating and if I'm not, I'm just stupid. yeah.
Legs.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Rule #5: Appreciate your little good bits
Rule #5: Appreciate your little good bits
I like the coil that twists the end of my lock.
The solid length of hair gives way to a
twisted corkscrew tightly curled in brown.
I like it.
I like the coil that twists the end of my lock.
The solid length of hair gives way to a
twisted corkscrew tightly curled in brown.
I like it.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Awareness Awareness Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah
Rule #4: Find some awareness.
Today was day 2 and week 2 of my acting class. We did a scene! We had lines! These were the lines: The boy was eating goldfish when the goldfish king appeared. He said "You put a stop to that or I'll pierce you with my spear!" "Oh goldfish king, oh goldfish king, you come in to my life at the single perfect moment." I blew my lines once, but it's an awareness problem. I am about as self aware as a gnat. Maybe less. It's the same as when last night after making a tyrannical post about not f-ing up one's constructs, I didn't realize I had the shadow and died in the raid and wiped us. Granted, I've been wiped less than maybe anyone else but our pally tank, but I should have been watching my dbm bars.
I'm going to make this quick so I can get some in-game stuff done tonight. I decided to take the 10:10 bus home, so I'm in the library on my awesome laptop getting ready to work on some bgs or some leatherworking. I wanted to do an instance, but I don't know if I'll have time tonight.
I want to get back into heroics because they use different skills than raiding. You also have to be more aware of what you're doing unless it's like mech or sp or something. I need to go for bot and arc. I should probably pug them too. Pugs require even more self-awareness.
Pessimistic note: Of course, it won't really matter. No one is ever going to take me seriously anyway. *Sigh*
Optimistic note: I miss movement. I miss directed movement. I miss Taekwondo. I miss stretching and occupying space and all that. I think I'm going to do Wushu in the Fall if not TKD. Wushu would probably be easier and I think I might be able to deal with the people. We'll see how the rest of the acting class goes. I think I'm taking the rest of June off and chilling, doing whatever I want to and nothing I don't. Then in July and August, I think I will make a major effort to do 2 months straight of Bikram Yoga on my own, no crutches, and to get my flexibility up to speed as well as my strength and stamina. Insha'Allah.
Oh, also, people who won't acknowledge you don't have to be acknowledged themselves. It works.
Salaams.
Today was day 2 and week 2 of my acting class. We did a scene! We had lines! These were the lines: The boy was eating goldfish when the goldfish king appeared. He said "You put a stop to that or I'll pierce you with my spear!" "Oh goldfish king, oh goldfish king, you come in to my life at the single perfect moment." I blew my lines once, but it's an awareness problem. I am about as self aware as a gnat. Maybe less. It's the same as when last night after making a tyrannical post about not f-ing up one's constructs, I didn't realize I had the shadow and died in the raid and wiped us. Granted, I've been wiped less than maybe anyone else but our pally tank, but I should have been watching my dbm bars.
I'm going to make this quick so I can get some in-game stuff done tonight. I decided to take the 10:10 bus home, so I'm in the library on my awesome laptop getting ready to work on some bgs or some leatherworking. I wanted to do an instance, but I don't know if I'll have time tonight.
I want to get back into heroics because they use different skills than raiding. You also have to be more aware of what you're doing unless it's like mech or sp or something. I need to go for bot and arc. I should probably pug them too. Pugs require even more self-awareness.
Pessimistic note: Of course, it won't really matter. No one is ever going to take me seriously anyway. *Sigh*
Optimistic note: I miss movement. I miss directed movement. I miss Taekwondo. I miss stretching and occupying space and all that. I think I'm going to do Wushu in the Fall if not TKD. Wushu would probably be easier and I think I might be able to deal with the people. We'll see how the rest of the acting class goes. I think I'm taking the rest of June off and chilling, doing whatever I want to and nothing I don't. Then in July and August, I think I will make a major effort to do 2 months straight of Bikram Yoga on my own, no crutches, and to get my flexibility up to speed as well as my strength and stamina. Insha'Allah.
Oh, also, people who won't acknowledge you don't have to be acknowledged themselves. It works.
Salaams.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
No rule, 'cause I'm a little down and I don't feel like it.
I have a wierd not-quite-fight going on-ish with one of my guildies. Possibly the only person in the guild close to my age, which is odd in itself, because my age is mental, which has nothing to do with my physical age and isn't really fair. Not much is fair. Being born Muslim, not going to school. Not having rites of passage. I don't really want to do anything.
Right so the not fight. I should probably just stop talking to him. Of course, I know now why nobody wanted to be friendly growing up: I was too available. I should have realized at some point that being nice is bad when it comes to wanting people to like you. Unless of course, you're beautiful. The beautiful can do whatever they want. The rest of the world, you know what, forget it, I'm going to bed.
Raiding isn't really fun anymore. I'd like to see the rest of the game, or at the very least the rest of BT, but it's not fun. Everyone knows I raid because no one wants me. I am the purest form of loser and there is nothing else really for me to be. This is why people look at me when I mention doing anything cool. "You're not cool, you can't possibly be cool." That's what I have to look forward to. Forever. In this life, anyway. And no one has answers. I used to ask Muslims, you know, what do we do? We don't. We get mistreated and abuse each other. I can't stand Muslims. NonMuslims don't want me.
There's nothing wrong with me except my Muslimness. All I have to do is get a new wardrobe, sing in public, dance, drink, and be a little nastier than I am, but not all the time, and to select people and I'd have all the fake friends I could want. Be unattainable and all of it might even last. Never let on that I wanted to be around anyone. People automatically reject anyone who wants to be around them. Bam. Secret to success. Of course, the freak that I am has no chance.
The freak that I am gets to pretend. Pretend that it doesn't hurt that no one speaks to me, unless of course they're bored or w/e, in which case they still don't speak to me because I recognize that now and don't speak to them. The tired Muslims who sometimes see you and sometimes don't. The fighting to exist. Can I fuck you? No? Well, you don't exist. The stupid bitchy suburban white girls. *chuckle* Gehst du in die disco? *chuckle. I don't know if I want to live the life I get. And there was never any choice. There's no option. This is it. Yay, loneliness.
That isn't even necessarily true, the people at work speak to me. I don't know anyone else.
I used to think I would travel. I would never be anywhere long enough to expect to be part of anything and it would hurt less. That's not an option, though.
I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children. If they get to be happy, I don't want to watch.
Part of me knows I should never have posted a pic for my guild. I could be thought of as normal. It's not like I'm ever going to meet them anyway. So, what I did is take a social situation where I was normal and could be normal and make it into one where I'm me, except I sort of exist. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. On the one hand, people don't flirt. Well, some people don't. Which is good. It seems dishonest to have someone sort of flirting and you know you're not someone they would consider that way irl. Still. I don't think there's any hope for this guild long term. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and can't function without some great worry. Could be either.
My guildies gave me a list of 80s movies to watch. I don't know if I'm going to or not. A shot of 80s culture is not going to help me. Nobody even knows me enough to know that I don't know any army of darkness lines and knowing them isn't going to make anyone care enough to bother to find out.
I'm going to bed.
Salaams.
I have a wierd not-quite-fight going on-ish with one of my guildies. Possibly the only person in the guild close to my age, which is odd in itself, because my age is mental, which has nothing to do with my physical age and isn't really fair. Not much is fair. Being born Muslim, not going to school. Not having rites of passage. I don't really want to do anything.
Right so the not fight. I should probably just stop talking to him. Of course, I know now why nobody wanted to be friendly growing up: I was too available. I should have realized at some point that being nice is bad when it comes to wanting people to like you. Unless of course, you're beautiful. The beautiful can do whatever they want. The rest of the world, you know what, forget it, I'm going to bed.
Raiding isn't really fun anymore. I'd like to see the rest of the game, or at the very least the rest of BT, but it's not fun. Everyone knows I raid because no one wants me. I am the purest form of loser and there is nothing else really for me to be. This is why people look at me when I mention doing anything cool. "You're not cool, you can't possibly be cool." That's what I have to look forward to. Forever. In this life, anyway. And no one has answers. I used to ask Muslims, you know, what do we do? We don't. We get mistreated and abuse each other. I can't stand Muslims. NonMuslims don't want me.
There's nothing wrong with me except my Muslimness. All I have to do is get a new wardrobe, sing in public, dance, drink, and be a little nastier than I am, but not all the time, and to select people and I'd have all the fake friends I could want. Be unattainable and all of it might even last. Never let on that I wanted to be around anyone. People automatically reject anyone who wants to be around them. Bam. Secret to success. Of course, the freak that I am has no chance.
The freak that I am gets to pretend. Pretend that it doesn't hurt that no one speaks to me, unless of course they're bored or w/e, in which case they still don't speak to me because I recognize that now and don't speak to them. The tired Muslims who sometimes see you and sometimes don't. The fighting to exist. Can I fuck you? No? Well, you don't exist. The stupid bitchy suburban white girls. *chuckle* Gehst du in die disco? *chuckle. I don't know if I want to live the life I get. And there was never any choice. There's no option. This is it. Yay, loneliness.
That isn't even necessarily true, the people at work speak to me. I don't know anyone else.
I used to think I would travel. I would never be anywhere long enough to expect to be part of anything and it would hurt less. That's not an option, though.
I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children. If they get to be happy, I don't want to watch.
Part of me knows I should never have posted a pic for my guild. I could be thought of as normal. It's not like I'm ever going to meet them anyway. So, what I did is take a social situation where I was normal and could be normal and make it into one where I'm me, except I sort of exist. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. On the one hand, people don't flirt. Well, some people don't. Which is good. It seems dishonest to have someone sort of flirting and you know you're not someone they would consider that way irl. Still. I don't think there's any hope for this guild long term. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and can't function without some great worry. Could be either.
My guildies gave me a list of 80s movies to watch. I don't know if I'm going to or not. A shot of 80s culture is not going to help me. Nobody even knows me enough to know that I don't know any army of darkness lines and knowing them isn't going to make anyone care enough to bother to find out.
I'm going to bed.
Salaams.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Rule #3: Always have something edible around.
I don't mean doughnuts, but, like, tonight I had an onion, fried in rings and 2 eggs and a piece of Ethiopian-ish bread for dinner. I left it too late after my lunch, because of the acting class. (I'm taking an acting class at school which wasn't bad. The only guy in the class kept trying to touch me, to close the shape, while we were making shapes, which wasn't necessary and I kept withdrawing and it must have looked interesting except if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything. I didn't hate it. I liked it actually, the class, I mean.
Then I saw one of the Muslim girls who doesn't cover and knows me when she wants to and that got on my nerves. But then, I missed the bus and the mother of a girl I don't really know gave me a ride all the way home because she was picking up her daughter from the musallah and saw me on her way. It was lightninging and raining too.
Anyway, I ate and I feel better. The act of cooking and washing dishes makes me feel a little better too. It is different when you know they will stay clean and the sink will stay clean. Nothing wrong with loads of people using stuff. It's just nice.
Back to eating,
ma'assalama
PS Ninjabis are considered cool, the WTF enforced its anti-hijab rule, some stupid Indian bitch tried to unmake me (or I'm paranoid or both) and I can't do any kind of sport unless it's strictly allowed because hijab is becoming a worldwide sticking point and the people who don't or don't right are not helping those who do. I don't know if I can go back to taekwondo or not and wushu just might not even be worth it. And if the only way is to marry somebody who does them, then screw them both. I'd hate him. I'd hate any Muslim man who was doing something. Maybe it's spiteful. But, he gets to exist and I have to fight for every inch I take up, except at work, which is a blessing.
Salaams.
I don't mean doughnuts, but, like, tonight I had an onion, fried in rings and 2 eggs and a piece of Ethiopian-ish bread for dinner. I left it too late after my lunch, because of the acting class. (I'm taking an acting class at school which wasn't bad. The only guy in the class kept trying to touch me, to close the shape, while we were making shapes, which wasn't necessary and I kept withdrawing and it must have looked interesting except if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything. I didn't hate it. I liked it actually, the class, I mean.
Then I saw one of the Muslim girls who doesn't cover and knows me when she wants to and that got on my nerves. But then, I missed the bus and the mother of a girl I don't really know gave me a ride all the way home because she was picking up her daughter from the musallah and saw me on her way. It was lightninging and raining too.
Anyway, I ate and I feel better. The act of cooking and washing dishes makes me feel a little better too. It is different when you know they will stay clean and the sink will stay clean. Nothing wrong with loads of people using stuff. It's just nice.
Back to eating,
ma'assalama
PS Ninjabis are considered cool, the WTF enforced its anti-hijab rule, some stupid Indian bitch tried to unmake me (or I'm paranoid or both) and I can't do any kind of sport unless it's strictly allowed because hijab is becoming a worldwide sticking point and the people who don't or don't right are not helping those who do. I don't know if I can go back to taekwondo or not and wushu just might not even be worth it. And if the only way is to marry somebody who does them, then screw them both. I'd hate him. I'd hate any Muslim man who was doing something. Maybe it's spiteful. But, he gets to exist and I have to fight for every inch I take up, except at work, which is a blessing.
Salaams.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Rule #2: I don't really know.
I don't have a rule today. I should be asleep, but I'm crying instead because I'm lonely and I'm depressed. I still have one math test to take, but it's trig, which I'm not terrible at after a couple days last week studying it. Hopefully, in the morning, assuming I'm not terribly tired.
It hurts to think that I will never be the same as anybody. I would have had to come straight back from The Gambia and go to college and I didn't. I'm tired. I'm tired of vacillating. Tired of not having any friends, tired of not knowing what I would do if I did have any friends. I want to be something else. I'm tired. What's the point? You look at all these Muslims: the ones in jeans, the ones in Egypt, being messed with by Egyptians, and what's the point. I'm tired.
I won't ever be the same as anybody and if I am, it won't be a positive thing. I'm tired of nothing being enough. I'm tired of not being able to appreciate anything. I'm tired and I'm so lonely. I'm going to hate my children. Hate them for not having to be me. My husband too. Hate him.
I don't have a rule today. I should be asleep, but I'm crying instead because I'm lonely and I'm depressed. I still have one math test to take, but it's trig, which I'm not terrible at after a couple days last week studying it. Hopefully, in the morning, assuming I'm not terribly tired.
It hurts to think that I will never be the same as anybody. I would have had to come straight back from The Gambia and go to college and I didn't. I'm tired. I'm tired of vacillating. Tired of not having any friends, tired of not knowing what I would do if I did have any friends. I want to be something else. I'm tired. What's the point? You look at all these Muslims: the ones in jeans, the ones in Egypt, being messed with by Egyptians, and what's the point. I'm tired.
I won't ever be the same as anybody and if I am, it won't be a positive thing. I'm tired of nothing being enough. I'm tired of not being able to appreciate anything. I'm tired and I'm so lonely. I'm going to hate my children. Hate them for not having to be me. My husband too. Hate him.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Toilet Paper and Insomnia
Rule #1: Do not buy ultra-strong toilet paper.
Toilet paper apparently comes in ultra-strong and ultra-soft, but not both. Ultra-strong has a weave like cloth and is great for digging around in your ears for stray wax, but it is not soft. Switching from ultra-soft to ultra-strong is an especially unfortunate experience to make yourself go through.
Enough about TP.
I can't sleep lately. I get home from work and I'm tired, so tired I can't do anything but mindlessly level my wow alt (gnome rogue, level 25, yeah baby!) Then, I eat dinner and drink some tea and eat snack and eat a few spoonfuls of sugar (literally, yes, terrible habit, I know), and then I'm awake and awake and awake. I count animals but it doesn't help. I sit up doing more mindless things on my computer and that doesn't help either. I should be in bed right now.
The only time I'm tired is in that period right after I get home from work, when I am exhausted. Yesterday, I took a 3 hour nap then and then tried to go to bed early instead of raiding (haha, didn't happen, but I did talk to the folks, so that was good). I'm glad I missed the raid too. Apparently, it was a disaster. Catastrophic to the point where in light of our late trend of raiding fail, the GM cancelled tonight's raid. Thus, I will have 5 consecutive nights without raiding this week, Insha'Allah, and I've already managed not to get sleep on 3 going on 4 of them. By sleep I mean more sleep than my usual 3-4 hours a night.
I'm hoping that staying up after Fajr in the mornings will help. Maybe I'll be tired at night. I need to update Kith's wishlist. We have a new kickass hunter who is chasing me for first on dps most of the time, except now he beats me because I'm surv. It isn't nearly as much of a gimp as I thought though, which is how it is each time I go surv. I want his breathing a little further behind my neck though. :P I outgear him by a lot, too. I wonder if macroing would make the difference. That, and getting the badge bow. I need to work on that stuff next week. Right now, I need to head to bed and try to sleep, and this weekend I need to FINISH STUDYING FOR AND TAKE THE STUPID, BUT NECESSARY, MATH PLACEMENT TEST FOR REAL ALREADY. *and breathe.* :)
Alrighty, bedtime. Insha'Allah, I can sleep tonight.
My posture looks horrible in the mirror. Also, my hair is fuzzy and needs a good wash, which I can't do because I can't retighten until I get home...next week. :( This is getting old.
I'm considering doing Yoga all summer, every day, and then either joining Wushu or going back to Taekwondo in the Fall. I want to do the NY Skate marathon this year too. Originally, I wanted Athens 2 Atlanta but 1)It's too far to skate without logistical help from the bros and Abuyya, 2)I don't think I have time to start training after all the stuff I need to finish before I start training, and 3)ZOMG, stop starting with the hardest thing you can do! So, the plan is NY Skate Marathon this year and then try to go for Athens next year, maybe.
Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime, sleeeepytime. :)
Salaams, folks
Toilet paper apparently comes in ultra-strong and ultra-soft, but not both. Ultra-strong has a weave like cloth and is great for digging around in your ears for stray wax, but it is not soft. Switching from ultra-soft to ultra-strong is an especially unfortunate experience to make yourself go through.
Enough about TP.
I can't sleep lately. I get home from work and I'm tired, so tired I can't do anything but mindlessly level my wow alt (gnome rogue, level 25, yeah baby!) Then, I eat dinner and drink some tea and eat snack and eat a few spoonfuls of sugar (literally, yes, terrible habit, I know), and then I'm awake and awake and awake. I count animals but it doesn't help. I sit up doing more mindless things on my computer and that doesn't help either. I should be in bed right now.
The only time I'm tired is in that period right after I get home from work, when I am exhausted. Yesterday, I took a 3 hour nap then and then tried to go to bed early instead of raiding (haha, didn't happen, but I did talk to the folks, so that was good). I'm glad I missed the raid too. Apparently, it was a disaster. Catastrophic to the point where in light of our late trend of raiding fail, the GM cancelled tonight's raid. Thus, I will have 5 consecutive nights without raiding this week, Insha'Allah, and I've already managed not to get sleep on 3 going on 4 of them. By sleep I mean more sleep than my usual 3-4 hours a night.
I'm hoping that staying up after Fajr in the mornings will help. Maybe I'll be tired at night. I need to update Kith's wishlist. We have a new kickass hunter who is chasing me for first on dps most of the time, except now he beats me because I'm surv. It isn't nearly as much of a gimp as I thought though, which is how it is each time I go surv. I want his breathing a little further behind my neck though. :P I outgear him by a lot, too. I wonder if macroing would make the difference. That, and getting the badge bow. I need to work on that stuff next week. Right now, I need to head to bed and try to sleep, and this weekend I need to FINISH STUDYING FOR AND TAKE THE STUPID, BUT NECESSARY, MATH PLACEMENT TEST FOR REAL ALREADY. *and breathe.* :)
Alrighty, bedtime. Insha'Allah, I can sleep tonight.
My posture looks horrible in the mirror. Also, my hair is fuzzy and needs a good wash, which I can't do because I can't retighten until I get home...next week. :( This is getting old.
I'm considering doing Yoga all summer, every day, and then either joining Wushu or going back to Taekwondo in the Fall. I want to do the NY Skate marathon this year too. Originally, I wanted Athens 2 Atlanta but 1)It's too far to skate without logistical help from the bros and Abuyya, 2)I don't think I have time to start training after all the stuff I need to finish before I start training, and 3)ZOMG, stop starting with the hardest thing you can do! So, the plan is NY Skate Marathon this year and then try to go for Athens next year, maybe.
Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime, sleeeepytime. :)
Salaams, folks
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