No rule, 'cause I'm a little down and I don't feel like it.

I have a wierd not-quite-fight going on-ish with one of my guildies. Possibly the only person in the guild close to my age, which is odd in itself, because my age is mental, which has nothing to do with my physical age and isn't really fair. Not much is fair. Being born Muslim, not going to school. Not having rites of passage. I don't really want to do anything.

Right so the not fight. I should probably just stop talking to him. Of course, I know now why nobody wanted to be friendly growing up: I was too available. I should have realized at some point that being nice is bad when it comes to wanting people to like you. Unless of course, you're beautiful. The beautiful can do whatever they want. The rest of the world, you know what, forget it, I'm going to bed.

Raiding isn't really fun anymore. I'd like to see the rest of the game, or at the very least the rest of BT, but it's not fun. Everyone knows I raid because no one wants me. I am the purest form of loser and there is nothing else really for me to be. This is why people look at me when I mention doing anything cool. "You're not cool, you can't possibly be cool." That's what I have to look forward to. Forever. In this life, anyway. And no one has answers. I used to ask Muslims, you know, what do we do? We don't. We get mistreated and abuse each other. I can't stand Muslims. NonMuslims don't want me.

There's nothing wrong with me except my Muslimness. All I have to do is get a new wardrobe, sing in public, dance, drink, and be a little nastier than I am, but not all the time, and to select people and I'd have all the fake friends I could want. Be unattainable and all of it might even last. Never let on that I wanted to be around anyone. People automatically reject anyone who wants to be around them. Bam. Secret to success. Of course, the freak that I am has no chance.

The freak that I am gets to pretend. Pretend that it doesn't hurt that no one speaks to me, unless of course they're bored or w/e, in which case they still don't speak to me because I recognize that now and don't speak to them. The tired Muslims who sometimes see you and sometimes don't. The fighting to exist. Can I fuck you? No? Well, you don't exist. The stupid bitchy suburban white girls. *chuckle* Gehst du in die disco? *chuckle. I don't know if I want to live the life I get. And there was never any choice. There's no option. This is it. Yay, loneliness.

That isn't even necessarily true, the people at work speak to me. I don't know anyone else.

I used to think I would travel. I would never be anywhere long enough to expect to be part of anything and it would hurt less. That's not an option, though.

I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children. If they get to be happy, I don't want to watch.

Part of me knows I should never have posted a pic for my guild. I could be thought of as normal. It's not like I'm ever going to meet them anyway. So, what I did is take a social situation where I was normal and could be normal and make it into one where I'm me, except I sort of exist. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. On the one hand, people don't flirt. Well, some people don't. Which is good. It seems dishonest to have someone sort of flirting and you know you're not someone they would consider that way irl. Still. I don't think there's any hope for this guild long term. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and can't function without some great worry. Could be either.

My guildies gave me a list of 80s movies to watch. I don't know if I'm going to or not. A shot of 80s culture is not going to help me. Nobody even knows me enough to know that I don't know any army of darkness lines and knowing them isn't going to make anyone care enough to bother to find out.

I'm going to bed.

Salaams.