I'm openly nerdy...and I happen to be black (GC), so when I can't sleep, I post things on my guild forums. So last night, as usual, I was wide awake at 2 am, but one of my guildies was up running quests and I was talking to him and some other guildies on vent. So, at some point, he told me that he wasn't going to sleep until I did, because the last night I had insomnia, he went to bed and I wound up staying up all night. And he sounded so tired that I went to bed so he wouldn't stay up. And then I'd promised I would go to bed so even when I couldn't sleep, I lay there and eventually I fell asleep. Normally, I would've gotten back up and back on the computer. So, thanks much. You know who you are.

I'm still tired, but I have an idea that might help. I am going to try Bikram Yoga in DC, every morning for two months. The 2nd month will be the first month of school also, but this not having energy is sooooo unbelievably old. I can't keep going like this.

I go from being exhausted and doing things because I have to to being not exhausted, but not feeling up to doing anything at all. It's insane.

I have a thing for Morgan Spurlock, seriously. He goes and does this insane stuff and he seems to genuinely empathize with the people he goes to live and work and be with. I want to do one of his experiments. I need to think of something to do in the vein of his show. I'll do my college student on a cheap healthy budget experiment. I might could (Bmore expression :D ) start today, since it seems like I can chew after all.

Ooh, I found a spinning class. :D http://atangledskein.com/

It's close to me and it looks pretty cool. :)

So I'm watching 30 days, which is the show that the guy from Super Size Me (Morgan Spurlock) has and he and his now-fiance Alex are working minimum wage jobs in Cleveland and the show made me start thinking about my life and the fact that I've never had anybody, including me, consider what I'm going to do with it.

That's one disadvantage of not having grown up in any kind of regimented school system. It's a little depressing. It is, especially since except once in a while, I don't get to say anything about it and I can't do anything about it and when I could, I was a clueless 14 year old in a grown body and as usual, I didn't even know what I had. Soo frustrating.

Anyway, they were shopping and I was like "okay, that's something I could do." So, I'm going to blog about cheap food weeks. My goal is to spend $20 on food this week. (The part after the tooth heals up and I can, Insha'Allah, chew again.) Oh, and I really hope he gets my bite right, because this stupid filling crap thing is making my freaking jaw hurt. And I'm out of pills.

I like Morgan and Alex because he's wild, okay, dude is wild and she's doing his insane, wild project with him and they're nice to each other. You know? It'd be nice to find somebody worth being nice to who thought I was worth being nice to. They have no money at this point and they're doing this voluntarily, and she's making the project easier for him to do and he's nice to her and she's nice to him. They have no money and yet he spends what little they have on taking her to the hospital and I really like them. Okay. \End gush.

Back to leveling.

I'm having a hard time. I overslept again. I haven't made a single Saturday morning skate this summer, not a single one. My diet is limited to popsicles, yogurt, and mashed sweet potatoes because I'm temporarily unable to chew. My jaw hurts. My hair is jacked up and I don't have any tools to fix it, except at home. And I'm always so tired that I don't want to do anything.

I need to go see a doctor about the fact that I can't fall asleep (I tried last night. I even didn't finish my own raid.), but I can't, because I have no health insurance and will be spending close to 3 grand on my teeth this summer and then 1 a month on freaking tuition in the Fall.

Protip: If you're going to eat emotionally and you can control how, go with chocolate rather than gummy, especially if you work out anyway and obesity isn't so much of an issue.

Better yet, recognize that you're lonely and depressed and get un -so. Yeah. Not. I know.

Something isn't working here.

I'm awake. I was ready for bed at 11:30, but I think I'm afraid I'll miss something if I turn off the computer and go to sleep. I'm not sure what exactly.

I couldn't be a doctor. I might save somebody's life and give myself a heart attack in the process. My CVS repository works remotely. I saw the email where the professor's colleague told me my solution had worked and my heart leapt into my ribs. It still feels all adrenaline-y. Haha, wooooooot!

Just a quick one, I need sleep.

I skated home today after working late and I was taking off my skates by the supermarket bus stop and this truck driver drove up stopped at the light and smiled and nodded and waved at me and I smiled and waved back and then when the light changed he tooted his horn and nodded again and I nodded and he drove away. It made me feel very good. :)

Also, Insha'Allah, I'm going to do this martial arts class at Dar us Salaam, if they have room and I can afford it and I get in in time and the class at GWU. I should be busy in the Fall, hopefully.

3 consecutive days skated (Tues, Wed, Thur).
2 consecutive days yoga, full Bikram (Tues, Wed) and 1 day (today) just skating stretches afterwards.

Bedtime. Salaams.

I need to go to bed, but I'm still lucid, if overly energized. (I'm not crazy, just have more and less insane moments sometimes, most people do. I think. Maybe. THEY DO.)

So, the people I want to know don't care if I'm not the exact same age as them. I think. I'm going to bed now. I had something profound-ish to say, but I think I might be tired. That is a wonderful thing, considering I haven't been able to sleep at night lately.

I went skating today. Whee.


1 day skated
76 days until NYC.

I'm up today, and momentarily not tooo up, so I can be rational and balanced for a moment:

I might not get the chance ever again to do what I've done with my so-called "wasted" years. We might not have a business again and working in it was great. I liked it, I made money. Yes, I was inexperienced and there were probably people laughing at me, but sometimes and in some ongoing situations, I got it right. I loved riding and I want to get back into it sometime. I found out about not letting people hurt me just because, even if I didn't find out in time to rescue that particular situation.

I can, and did, even with "no money and no job (Alhamdullilah)", go back to school whenever. There are always colleges, but I think if I had missed being poor and living in a ramshackle house (not very ramshackle, but still, ramshackle) and playing Monopoly and being happy despite being broke and ramshackle house-dwelling, I'd be poorer for it. (Good luck deciphering that sentence, haha.) :D

Anyway,
A moment of lucidity.

I'm slightly serious there: I vacillate between happy happy and talking to myself and cheerful bundle of energy and zomg, Eeyore. Actually, no, when I don't eat/sleep/drink water, I become zomg Eeyore. The rest of the time I think I'm usually pleasant or uberpleasant.

Off to skate. I need to do something successful, so I can start the Fall on the right footing.

76 days until the NYC Skate Marathon.
0 consecutive days skated/planned days off

Everybody I know would like my sister better than me. The guild would like her. She would belong. If I don't talk, I can't ever be better than peripheral. If I do, nobody's going to want me. I'm tired. This is exactly how it was in NY, except then I was still young enough to have belonged somewhere. I am never going to belong anywhere. And if I do, which I won't, I'll just ruin it. They'll just stop talking to me until I go away. And there won't be anyone else. And then I won't even be able to pretend.

I think I'm not going to go home for a while. I don't sleep. I don't want to do anything. My guild isn't speaking to me and there isn't anyone else, nor is there likely to be. Not that it matters, since apparently I attack people if it seems like they're attacking me in the slightest, except that they aren't. I give up.

I like birds, but once in a while some genius specimen perches outside my window where he or she chirps like a lunatic until I scream/mutter "Will you shut up or go somewhere?!"

Also, I had to smash a wolf spider on my wall. It was nasty. Nasty.

I had an idea to make baby hats over the summer and sell them at Eastern Market in DC just before the weather gets cold. We'll see.

Maybe I'll go see Wall-e tonight. I've heard it's good.

Plus, if I go to the skate tonight, they're going drinking after the fireworks and I could go to the movie. I don't know if I want to have to make travelling Maghrib though. I wouldn't get home until well, well after dark.

I woke up on time this morning. :D I went to bed at 11 something last night. Early 11 something.

This morning, I was supposed to go skate the W&OD trail in VA with warskaters, but I am temporally challenged and wouldn't have made my train and, more importantly, it was raining when I went to leave. I didn't feel like being damp, so I turned around and went back inside, because I can do that when I feel like it. :)

There's another skate tonight that I might do. Or, maybe I'll go out to the Smithsonian. Or, maybe I'll lie on my bed and read all day. I don't know.

I need to get this whole make myself an athlete again thing going though. I haven't started yet. I'm 4 days behind as of today.

Oh well, I think I'm going out. I should eat something first.

Maybe I'll go see the dinosaurs at the Smithsonian.

I'm failing at the not talking thing. Yeah....
But, not this badly:
sophistication fail

Experiment time: No negative posts for a week. Also, no posts on my guild forums unless in response to a post specifically directed at me for a week. And, no talking in guild chat for a week based on the same condition as the forums. Same for vent. Let's see. I need to go to bed NOW. NOW. NOW.

I have to run and do yoga tomorrow and still get a shower and get to work on time. gogogogogogo BED NOW.

Oh yeah, somebody in my guild said I'm weird. Weird because I post about jumping naked chickens when I can't sleep. (They know how I look.) Thing is, I can live with that. :D

Seriously??

Some girl just walked past me, no veil, no salaam. Then she prayed in the corner behind me: I'm sitting in a little room like an alcove off the hallway. Then she tucked her veil back in her bag and left, walking past me again. No salaam. I roll my eyes. I roll them. They hurt, I roll them so much.

Still rolling them.

Rule #7: A look is a look is a look. Don't let the turkeys get you down.
Profanity warning. I'm apparently in a mood. :-/

It's funny, but not really, when you're Muslim and you walk past another Muslim, especially if they're trying to EXIST. I'm also trying to exist, but in a different way and my sweaty, running-in-a-dress self is not compatible with impeccable Rabiah (for example) in her tailored, I'm-covering-because-I-have-to-but-I'm-also-cool duds. And yes, I am hatin'. I'm tired of having to glance out of the corner of my eye when I see a headscarf because I can't speak if I think she's going to leave me hangin'.

Muslims: How often have you seen the Jewish kids on this campus saying hey to each other? Anybody that would think less of you for giving me a salaam, DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY.

Oh, and sorority/fraternity people: BITE ME, all of you, especially if you think you're somehow better than me because your legs are visible and mine aren't. And granted, I don't know any of you, maybe when you stare at me at the gym it's not because you're an insulated bitch/asshole who hasn't ever been anywhere or seen anything or anyone that wasn't exactly like you OR exactly like the idiot media said it would be.

News flash: Muslim women are not all fucking oppressed. Not all of us have brothers and fathers who want to kill us. That honor is on the women bullshit was supposed to be eradicated by Islam. How much sense does it make to raise your daughter as one thing and then kill her when that's what she is??

I didn't think I was in a particular mood. I guess I am. Fin.


Done.

I got a lamb gyro for dinner because I didn't feel like eating my own cooking again. It had a violent disagreement with my insides and they won.

Also, I think I'm going to have to stop talking. My need to be liked/appreciated/a significant part of whatever group I'm in has the unintended effect of turning me into a blithering idiot. yeah. Also, when I'm not being an idiot, I'm being combative. And, if I don't get enough sleep, I get downright mean. yeah. I give up.

WTB blond with visible legs. Actually, if my own legs were visible, none of this would matter anyway. They're really good legs. Maybe I could kill the personality or lack thereof or w/e entirely and just go with the legs. Might work, ya never know.

Actually, what I think it is is I'm everybody's wierdo that they don't really want to be friends with. So, I don't raise anybody's social standing and I'm not chill enough to provide any sort of chill, for lack of a better word. I'm not pretty enough to pull off the veiled thing. Apparently, if I'm good, I'm intimidating and if I'm not, I'm just stupid. yeah.

Legs.

Rule #6: Get a good phone plan.

I talked to my mom for an hour and a half tonight. I think I'm happy with my 600 nights and weekend minutes plan.

I need to go to bed earlier.

Rule #5: Appreciate your little good bits

Rule #5: Appreciate your little good bits

I like the coil that twists the end of my lock.
The solid length of hair gives way to a
twisted corkscrew tightly curled in brown.

I like it.

You can't hurt me enough. Keep trying.

Awareness Awareness Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah

Rule #4: Find some awareness.

Today was day 2 and week 2 of my acting class. We did a scene! We had lines! These were the lines: The boy was eating goldfish when the goldfish king appeared. He said "You put a stop to that or I'll pierce you with my spear!" "Oh goldfish king, oh goldfish king, you come in to my life at the single perfect moment." I blew my lines once, but it's an awareness problem. I am about as self aware as a gnat. Maybe less. It's the same as when last night after making a tyrannical post about not f-ing up one's constructs, I didn't realize I had the shadow and died in the raid and wiped us. Granted, I've been wiped less than maybe anyone else but our pally tank, but I should have been watching my dbm bars.

I'm going to make this quick so I can get some in-game stuff done tonight. I decided to take the 10:10 bus home, so I'm in the library on my awesome laptop getting ready to work on some bgs or some leatherworking. I wanted to do an instance, but I don't know if I'll have time tonight.

I want to get back into heroics because they use different skills than raiding. You also have to be more aware of what you're doing unless it's like mech or sp or something. I need to go for bot and arc. I should probably pug them too. Pugs require even more self-awareness.

Pessimistic note: Of course, it won't really matter. No one is ever going to take me seriously anyway. *Sigh*

Optimistic note: I miss movement. I miss directed movement. I miss Taekwondo. I miss stretching and occupying space and all that. I think I'm going to do Wushu in the Fall if not TKD. Wushu would probably be easier and I think I might be able to deal with the people. We'll see how the rest of the acting class goes. I think I'm taking the rest of June off and chilling, doing whatever I want to and nothing I don't. Then in July and August, I think I will make a major effort to do 2 months straight of Bikram Yoga on my own, no crutches, and to get my flexibility up to speed as well as my strength and stamina. Insha'Allah.

Oh, also, people who won't acknowledge you don't have to be acknowledged themselves. It works.

Salaams.

No rule, 'cause I'm a little down and I don't feel like it.

I have a wierd not-quite-fight going on-ish with one of my guildies. Possibly the only person in the guild close to my age, which is odd in itself, because my age is mental, which has nothing to do with my physical age and isn't really fair. Not much is fair. Being born Muslim, not going to school. Not having rites of passage. I don't really want to do anything.

Right so the not fight. I should probably just stop talking to him. Of course, I know now why nobody wanted to be friendly growing up: I was too available. I should have realized at some point that being nice is bad when it comes to wanting people to like you. Unless of course, you're beautiful. The beautiful can do whatever they want. The rest of the world, you know what, forget it, I'm going to bed.

Raiding isn't really fun anymore. I'd like to see the rest of the game, or at the very least the rest of BT, but it's not fun. Everyone knows I raid because no one wants me. I am the purest form of loser and there is nothing else really for me to be. This is why people look at me when I mention doing anything cool. "You're not cool, you can't possibly be cool." That's what I have to look forward to. Forever. In this life, anyway. And no one has answers. I used to ask Muslims, you know, what do we do? We don't. We get mistreated and abuse each other. I can't stand Muslims. NonMuslims don't want me.

There's nothing wrong with me except my Muslimness. All I have to do is get a new wardrobe, sing in public, dance, drink, and be a little nastier than I am, but not all the time, and to select people and I'd have all the fake friends I could want. Be unattainable and all of it might even last. Never let on that I wanted to be around anyone. People automatically reject anyone who wants to be around them. Bam. Secret to success. Of course, the freak that I am has no chance.

The freak that I am gets to pretend. Pretend that it doesn't hurt that no one speaks to me, unless of course they're bored or w/e, in which case they still don't speak to me because I recognize that now and don't speak to them. The tired Muslims who sometimes see you and sometimes don't. The fighting to exist. Can I fuck you? No? Well, you don't exist. The stupid bitchy suburban white girls. *chuckle* Gehst du in die disco? *chuckle. I don't know if I want to live the life I get. And there was never any choice. There's no option. This is it. Yay, loneliness.

That isn't even necessarily true, the people at work speak to me. I don't know anyone else.

I used to think I would travel. I would never be anywhere long enough to expect to be part of anything and it would hurt less. That's not an option, though.

I don't want to get married. I don't want to have children. If they get to be happy, I don't want to watch.

Part of me knows I should never have posted a pic for my guild. I could be thought of as normal. It's not like I'm ever going to meet them anyway. So, what I did is take a social situation where I was normal and could be normal and make it into one where I'm me, except I sort of exist. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. On the one hand, people don't flirt. Well, some people don't. Which is good. It seems dishonest to have someone sort of flirting and you know you're not someone they would consider that way irl. Still. I don't think there's any hope for this guild long term. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen and can't function without some great worry. Could be either.

My guildies gave me a list of 80s movies to watch. I don't know if I'm going to or not. A shot of 80s culture is not going to help me. Nobody even knows me enough to know that I don't know any army of darkness lines and knowing them isn't going to make anyone care enough to bother to find out.

I'm going to bed.

Salaams.

Rule #3: Always have something edible around.


I don't mean doughnuts, but, like, tonight I had an onion, fried in rings and 2 eggs and a piece of Ethiopian-ish bread for dinner. I left it too late after my lunch, because of the acting class. (I'm taking an acting class at school which wasn't bad. The only guy in the class kept trying to touch me, to close the shape, while we were making shapes, which wasn't necessary and I kept withdrawing and it must have looked interesting except if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything. I didn't hate it. I liked it actually, the class, I mean.

Then I saw one of the Muslim girls who doesn't cover and knows me when she wants to and that got on my nerves. But then, I missed the bus and the mother of a girl I don't really know gave me a ride all the way home because she was picking up her daughter from the musallah and saw me on her way. It was lightninging and raining too.

Anyway, I ate and I feel better. The act of cooking and washing dishes makes me feel a little better too. It is different when you know they will stay clean and the sink will stay clean. Nothing wrong with loads of people using stuff. It's just nice.

Back to eating,
ma'assalama

PS Ninjabis are considered cool, the WTF enforced its anti-hijab rule, some stupid Indian bitch tried to unmake me (or I'm paranoid or both) and I can't do any kind of sport unless it's strictly allowed because hijab is becoming a worldwide sticking point and the people who don't or don't right are not helping those who do. I don't know if I can go back to taekwondo or not and wushu just might not even be worth it. And if the only way is to marry somebody who does them, then screw them both. I'd hate him. I'd hate any Muslim man who was doing something. Maybe it's spiteful. But, he gets to exist and I have to fight for every inch I take up, except at work, which is a blessing.

Salaams.

Rule #2: I don't really know.

I don't have a rule today. I should be asleep, but I'm crying instead because I'm lonely and I'm depressed. I still have one math test to take, but it's trig, which I'm not terrible at after a couple days last week studying it. Hopefully, in the morning, assuming I'm not terribly tired.

It hurts to think that I will never be the same as anybody. I would have had to come straight back from The Gambia and go to college and I didn't. I'm tired. I'm tired of vacillating. Tired of not having any friends, tired of not knowing what I would do if I did have any friends. I want to be something else. I'm tired. What's the point? You look at all these Muslims: the ones in jeans, the ones in Egypt, being messed with by Egyptians, and what's the point. I'm tired.

I won't ever be the same as anybody and if I am, it won't be a positive thing. I'm tired of nothing being enough. I'm tired of not being able to appreciate anything. I'm tired and I'm so lonely. I'm going to hate my children. Hate them for not having to be me. My husband too. Hate him.

Toilet Paper and Insomnia

Rule #1: Do not buy ultra-strong toilet paper.

Toilet paper apparently comes in ultra-strong and ultra-soft, but not both. Ultra-strong has a weave like cloth and is great for digging around in your ears for stray wax, but it is not soft. Switching from ultra-soft to ultra-strong is an especially unfortunate experience to make yourself go through.

Enough about TP.

I can't sleep lately. I get home from work and I'm tired, so tired I can't do anything but mindlessly level my wow alt (gnome rogue, level 25, yeah baby!) Then, I eat dinner and drink some tea and eat snack and eat a few spoonfuls of sugar (literally, yes, terrible habit, I know), and then I'm awake and awake and awake. I count animals but it doesn't help. I sit up doing more mindless things on my computer and that doesn't help either. I should be in bed right now.

The only time I'm tired is in that period right after I get home from work, when I am exhausted. Yesterday, I took a 3 hour nap then and then tried to go to bed early instead of raiding (haha, didn't happen, but I did talk to the folks, so that was good). I'm glad I missed the raid too. Apparently, it was a disaster. Catastrophic to the point where in light of our late trend of raiding fail, the GM cancelled tonight's raid. Thus, I will have 5 consecutive nights without raiding this week, Insha'Allah, and I've already managed not to get sleep on 3 going on 4 of them. By sleep I mean more sleep than my usual 3-4 hours a night.

I'm hoping that staying up after Fajr in the mornings will help. Maybe I'll be tired at night. I need to update Kith's wishlist. We have a new kickass hunter who is chasing me for first on dps most of the time, except now he beats me because I'm surv. It isn't nearly as much of a gimp as I thought though, which is how it is each time I go surv. I want his breathing a little further behind my neck though. :P I outgear him by a lot, too. I wonder if macroing would make the difference. That, and getting the badge bow. I need to work on that stuff next week. Right now, I need to head to bed and try to sleep, and this weekend I need to FINISH STUDYING FOR AND TAKE THE STUPID, BUT NECESSARY, MATH PLACEMENT TEST FOR REAL ALREADY. *and breathe.* :)

Alrighty, bedtime. Insha'Allah, I can sleep tonight.

My posture looks horrible in the mirror. Also, my hair is fuzzy and needs a good wash, which I can't do because I can't retighten until I get home...next week. :( This is getting old.

I'm considering doing Yoga all summer, every day, and then either joining Wushu or going back to Taekwondo in the Fall. I want to do the NY Skate marathon this year too. Originally, I wanted Athens 2 Atlanta but 1)It's too far to skate without logistical help from the bros and Abuyya, 2)I don't think I have time to start training after all the stuff I need to finish before I start training, and 3)ZOMG, stop starting with the hardest thing you can do! So, the plan is NY Skate Marathon this year and then try to go for Athens next year, maybe.

Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime, sleeeepytime. :)

Salaams, folks